Ever since I left home at 15 years old, I have been a nomad. Any house I moved into was just a temporary place, every job just to make some money or fulfil a certain outcome. Now, 43 years later, I am still not able to settle where I am. I look at other people, how content they seem with their house, job, partner, family and I am wondering what makes them different from me.
I googled ‘never feeling settled’ and found some interesting results. One one hand, a page called ‘Why can’t I Settle‘ by someone called Thea who advocates that the need to develop and change is a normal thing which we should embrace and not fight as life is too short to limit ourselves. I can see where she comes from but looking back at my life, my decisions have impacted my family and my children have said that our moving around has been hard for them. But every step of the journey has added something to my life so there is little I regret. But you cannot change the past, so there is little point in regrets. But a huge need to learn from it!
One the other hand, there is the Tiny Buddha page ‘Why the Grass is never Greener and How to be happy today’ that argues ‘Focusing on things we don’t have is a recipe for disaster.‘ (a sentiment which I find a bit exaggerated) and that we should appreciate the things we have and live in the here and now as happiness is a state of mind and not a place. I do agree that striving for material things is a mug’s game but when you get to my age owning your own house gives you peace of mind. Not being able to afford a roof over my head when I am old is something that scares the hell out of me.
What I am asking myself is, where do I go from here? Will I do the PhD? (I am still waiting for the unconditional offer) Will I ask for a working time reduction? Will I leave the UK as I find the current political and economic development scary and depressing? Will I go by myself and finally finish that marriage that has become cold and empty? If I go, where should I go? Or should I stay and settle in this job, take the money and settle for what is here? Every day I wish for a sign to show me the way….